It was probably never in the plan of any woman to be a single mom. The same applies to a single dad.
There is a sense of completion and
togetherness that comes with raising kids with a partner and growing old together
as a lovely couple. However, sometimes the little fantasies we have envisioned
for ourselves may be faced with some challenges beyond our control.
When issues and
challenges in a marriage become unbearable and divorce becomes inevitable or
when a woman has lost all her hope of becoming a wife especially when she
begins to veer towards the peak line of old age, then resorting to a single parent
becomes an option.
Because I am a
lover of children, etched on the surface of my heart is a passion to see that
children are well raised. As a result, I wouldn’t want single moms to make the mistake of
raising children in an unenlightened and uninformed state. That would mean
trading the destiny, emotional stability, and sanity of children.
This is why this
article is packed with a few universal tips and guides that every single or
to-be single parent must bear in mind in this overwhelming phase of life.
There are a few things
all single moms must bear in mind
which I have enlisted in two categories.
1.1. Mommy’s
Responsibilities to self
2.2. Mommy’s
responsibilities to the kids
MOMMY’S RESPONSIBILITIES TO SELF
Being in a
situation where you have to raise kids does not mean the forfeiture of a personal life.
You can keep track of your personal life as a single parent while mixing it
with the inevitable responsibilities that come with raising children.
Attempting
therefore to create a balance between social and parenting life is essential to parenting as a single mom or a single dad.
To this effect,
every single mother owes herself the
following responsibilities;
1. DON’T
TAKE THINGS HARD ON YOURSELF
Perhaps you have a
few kids to take care of, domestic chores to do, and maybe one or more jobs to
manage which can be very demanding. Don’t let them take a toll on you. You are
not under any obligation to have all the chores done in one day.
You can lighten up
your burdens by scheduling house chores, having a relative help you out, or
better still employ a help who you pay a few dollars to run some errands for you.
Being a single mommy is a lot. You have to
realize that you are in for a dual role—the role of a father who provides and
that of a mother who manages the home and welfare of the kids.
Having this in
mind, if you don’t find easy ways to get things done, you just might be calling
for insanity.
Check out what Emma Johnson of wealthysinglemommy in her article " How to be a single mom" said;
Single mothers are capable of leading happy, abundant lives and families, regardless of how their families are structured.
Also a single dad who is working multiple jobs to meet up with kids needs have to also take things easy on himself.
2. PLAN
YOUR ROUTINES AND ITINERARIES
I talked about the
possibility of going insane if you don’t find ways to balance the dual
responsibilities of being a single parent.
In other not to run
mad because of the plethora of things that need to be done while parenting, adequate planning can serve as a cushion that absorbs all the stress and demands that
accompany single parenting.
You have to plan all of your appointments from domestic chores to office work, to doctor’s appointments, to social activities, kids' academic-related needs, shopping, and a whole more.
You should schedule
everything you have to do per week and set a reminder with your phone to keep
all your activities on track. You can as well use the to-do list to map out
everything that needs to be done per time.
Doing all these can save you from any unforeseen or unimaginable stress.
3. ACHIEVE WHO YOU ARE AND ADJUST GOAL ACCORDINGLY
When most people
become single mom, they tend to shut
the door at many other things including their purpose, personal ambition or
goals, yet these are some of the things that will create the balance and mental
stability they’re seeking.
The quickest way to get frustrated parenting alone is when you focus solely on raising the kids and managing the home.
But when you commit to chasing your dreams and achieve your
personal goals, they can give you some really good relief and satisfaction. You’ll meet
people, colleagues, or teams who can play a significant role in your quest for
happiness, and stability.
While setting and
chasing your dreams and goals as a single mother, bear in mind that you
no longer have a partner who can help you with the family so you can set
higher goals and still achieve them. However, now that you’re a solo player,
what you might want to do is adjust your goals. Start by setting easy and
realistic goals within your reach. Over the years as the kids grow, you can up
your goals and still achieve them.
Also, do not
hesitate to trash any unrealistic or insignificant goal. With a baby to look after
and other important things you have to singularly manage, you don’t want to use your limited time in an unfruitful pursuit.
Also, just because you are a single parent with many responsibilities does not mean you can't achieve great goals. Don’t make the
mistake of undermining your ability to achieve a whole lot as a single mother or a single dad.
4. DON’T TURN YOURSELF INTO A MACHINE
Don’t turn yourself
into a machine. You are not a superwoman. Even if you are, superwomen get
tired at times. If you don’t believe me, ask superman?
You have domestic
works to do, kids to manage, office stuff to do, and targets to meet at the workplace, including errands, children’s Homework, and many more. It is easy to
make your life revolve around all these and disconnect from other things. No!
don’t do that. You are not a workaholic machine.
You need to learn to make out time to have fun with your kids and give them a social life. Spend time enjoying your hobbies and having fun with friends and family. There is nothing wrong with being a single mom dating and catching up with life. Every single must learn how to live a fulfilled single life.
If the chores
become too demanding, ask for help from someone you can call a true friend or
relative.
5. MAKE
TIME TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
A whole lot goes
away when you become a single
parent. You no longer have your team
mate or partner who can help take care of things while you take a break and
take care of yourself.
As a mother, you can
get so busy that sometimes you get overwhelmed by chores that you forget to
care for and nurture yourself. Some mothers even forget that there is something
called FOOD in the house to eat.
But how can you
raise and nurture your kids under such circumstance—with a stinking and rough
hair, pimple-infested face, wrinkled skin, and an aged-look. All these are the
fate of a mother who eschews self-care.
Taking care of
yourself is one of the most significant responsibilities you owe to yourself.
Whether you are the first to wake up or the cry of a baby wakes you very early
in the morning, one of the first things you can do is take care of yourself and
get ready for the kids.
While you take care
of your physical self, you can also make out time for other things like reading
a book, your bible, watch a movie, or catch up with a favorite TV show.
No matter what
child-raising demands from you, ensure you make out time every day to take care
of your own self and personal needs.
6. LEARN TO DATE IN SNAIL’S SPEED
One popular advice
people get especially after a divorce or a failed relationship is, “One way to
get over him is to start dating again as soon as possible.”
Isn’t it rather
hilarious how everyone quickly expects you to resume dating again? Such advice
or expectation may mean well but too soon for a single mom who has a lot on her
mind.
If you are a single mother dating this early, a lot
can happen that may turn out to be a loss for both you and the kids.
Instead of dating
too early, see your current state as a God-given opportunity to build
wholeness, self-love, high self-esteem, and self-awareness so that when you decide to date or possibly find
yourself in a relationship, you would’ve already cushioned yourself from any
emotional torture that may result if the relationship didn’t work out.
If you suffer the downside of emotion, how can
you take care of the kids? You may rather be tempted to pour your frustrations
and heartbreaks on the kids.
One other thing you
can do when you decide to date is to keep your dating low-key. Don’t introduce
your kids to anyone you are dating unless you can truly see a future with that
person.
You might be
tempted to speed up an ordinary dating affair into a fully-fledged relationship because you need
all the emotional and financial support you can lay your hands on. That would
be devastating sooner than you expect.
Also, as a single mother dating or a single
father, don’t allow your emotions to take a toll on you. You have to be in charge
and put things under control even if you are dating the nicest, richest, and
most handsome or most pretty person in the universe.
7. BE
PROUD AS A SINGLE PARENT.
It is true that in
the global society a lot of stigmas follow being a single mother or a single dad.
Such stigma is especially hard on the woman. No matter what it is, be a proud single mom. Contrary
to what is popularly believed, It is not just a man’s world; it is a woman’s
world as well.
Be prepared to face
heartless people who are going to judge you. Some may be subtle in doing this
by asking some annoying and intrusive questions such as, why are you single? are you dating? how are you able to take care of your kids? Some would even
dare to ask you about your sex life or tell it to your face; “you shouldn’t
have allowed yourself to get pregnant.”
No matter what it
is, don’t be angry, don’t be ashamed, and don’t be afraid; if you do, you may
give your mocker the satisfaction they desire.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You are not answerable to anyone, so you don’t have to
answer their questions. If the questions become too intrusive, ask them to mind
their business.
Learn to be a proud
single parent and be happy that your life, your kids’ and your goals are
working as planned.
If you allow what
people say to you get to you, chances are that you’ll turn out to be a bad single mom to the kids. You will begin
to blame them for all the insult you receive on a daily basis. You wouldn't want to invite these 5 dangerous effects of bad parenting.
MOMMY’S RESPONSIBILITIES TO THE KIDS
Now that you are
abreast with everything you have to do for yourself, the real business is
actually the responsibilities you owe to your kids.
1. DON’T
TRANSFER AGGRESSIONS OR FRUSTRATIONS ON YOUR KIDS
Raising a child
alone can be some worth co-parenting. It
can involve taking turns of a child’s custody with an ex.
When it was you and
your partner, it was easier meeting the needs of the kids, but now that you are
a solo parent, a lot has to change as well as expenditures. You may not be able
to meet the entire needs of a child anymore.
One thing that can
happen is, you may feel unloved and unappreciated when the kids visit your ex and come back to
you expressing how happy they are because of how your ex provided them with a lot of
things they do not get from you. As kids, they can naturally be drawn to your
ex leaving you feeling like all your efforts are not appreciated.
In such a
situation, you may be tempted to start throwing tantrums around and saying
things you shouldn't say to your kids. You might also go the extreme to not
cater, nurture, and manage the home like the loving mother you used to be.
Don’t give in to
those temptations. One thing you must realize about kids is that as long as
they are still kids, they go along with who gratifies their most desires. However, as they mature, they realize who
actually makes the greater sacrifice for them. By that time, money and the
luxuries of life do not matter to them anymore.
The kids may not be
appreciative in the time being, but you can derive hope and happiness knowing that a time will come when they’ll grow up to be the loving, appreciative,
respectful, and compassionate adults.
2. ENJOY & HAVE FUN WITH YOUR KIDS
I have already made
it very clear that being a single mom or
a single dad can be very daunting. Sometimes a parent can get so wedged up
in her duty of parenting that she forgets to have fun and play around with her
kids.
If you can’t find
time to play with your kids even though you manage the home—sweep, clean up, do
the dishes and fold all the clothes you are not doing a great job and you are
not a good parent. You can’t be included in the list of exceptionally great
parents when the only need you meet is managing home alone. You need to meet
the emotional needs of your children as well. No one can bond with your kids on
your behalf. You need to be intentional about sensitive things like this and
make out time for them.
Realize that your
kids can still love you whether you do all the house chores or not or whether you
wear them dirty clothes or not, but not bonding with them is the easiest way to
lose their love.
You might be proud
of being able to keep your house spotlessly clean with never a dirty dish to be
seen or a piece of unfolded clothing around. But if you never play with your
kids, are you really doing a good job?
It’s true you have
a lot to do in a day, but sometimes, those things can wait—the laundries,
dishes, cleaning can wait. Take a break to play games, dance, sing, and even
watch their favorite TV series with them.
3. LISTEN
WHOLEHEARTEDLY TO YOUR CHILDREN
It is a common
occurrence that most times children may have a few important things to say, but
because we are all caught up with chores, we only give them a half ear. This is
not the kind of listening I’m suggesting.
You should as a matter of fact connect with your kids through one-on-one personal conversation. Sit down, shut your mouth, open your ears, and listen to what they have to say.
You
can go a step further to observe your children if maybe there is something bothering them they want
to say but do not know how to. Sometimes, children, say things as jokes but we just laugh over them, make light of it, and waive it. That is not a healthy way to raise children.
Whether they talk
about your ex or have questions to ask, or whether they want to say something
about their education or about a teacher in school, it is your duty to hear
them out.
In case you are a
single mother dating, they might want to know things about whoever it is you
are dating, ensure you have answers for them.
Every parent—single
mother, single father, or couples must
realize that just as adults, children have feelings they want to express and
love tanks they desire to be filled which is your utmost responsibility if you
really desire to keep them emotionally stable.
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